They should really pass out barf bags in church
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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