Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize