i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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