How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
