I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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