Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
