eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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