No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
FUCK WHALES
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
