Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
