IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
