He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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