Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize