If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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