turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
