he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I can't turn off my feet"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Randomize
