I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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