Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
