So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
