im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
time to smoke my breakfast
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
