life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
