a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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