She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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