the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
