Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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