one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Are we still banned from the library?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
