Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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