i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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