Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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