I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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