And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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