she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
did i walk over a car last night?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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