I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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