my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
