Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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