just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
