why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
