I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
