dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
