I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
