Quick, to the slutcave!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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