just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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