the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
