one word: firstdatebathroomanal
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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