That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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