you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
