While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
