Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
