My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
