My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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