So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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