How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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