It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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