I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
