I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
